Seattle Slim Presents The Beat-niks: I See You Jackin’ Bitch…

Happy New Year folks! I hope you are all safe and happy and all that. Hope you didn’t get knocked up or knock anyone else up *lol* after having a few too many drinky drinks!!!

My resolutions included the following:
1) Convincing John Cena that my son is actually our love child so that he can wife me, and I can cheat on him with Cody Rhodes and get hella alimony.

2) Buy Solange and Kelly Rowland some self-esteem…….

3) Give T-Pain some chapstick and some vocal talent.

4) Start a fight between Rihanna and Beyonce on some Jerry Springer sh*t.

5) Find an entourage of male hoes to spray my afro and wipe me down wherever I go.

Rihanna and T-Pain were just some of the offenders……

Is Hip-Hop going the way of hair metal? Or maybe the love affair with all things repetitious and the the Dirty South is over? It would seem as though we are witnessing the death of an era when we look at hip-hop/rap album sales.

Ludacris’ Disturbing Tha Peace clique can’t be too pleased with these numbers. Peep what XXL had to say:

Disturbing Tha Peace family members Playaz Circle have scored the highest debut for a hip-hop act on the Billboard 200 chart this week, with their debut album Supply & Demand. Powered by their Lil Wayne assisted smash single “Duffle Bag Boy,” Tity Boy and Dolla Boy moved 26,238 copies of their first major label project and will land at No. 27 on the charts. Houston’s Baby Bash follows closely behind the Atlanta duo with his newest LP, Cyclone. With some assistance from T-Pain on the Lil Jon produced title track, Bash managed to sell 25,873 copies, which will place him at No. 30 on the Top 200. Next up we have Memphis veteran Project Pat, who hit stores with his latest, Walkin’ Bank Roll, last Tuesday. Despite the presence of Hypnotize Minds crewmembers Three 6 Mafia on his single, “Don’t Call Me No Mo,” Pat will land at No. 47 with just under 17,500 units scanned.

Well damn! When two GROWN men see fit to name themselves “Tity Boy” and “Dolla Boy” it’s kind of easy to see why they can’t sell sh*t. Somewher Hurricane Chris is slowly fading into mediocrity……

I really need to take my ass to bed so I’m doing a best of the worst. Why? Because it’s easy to find the weak ones in the bunch then feast on them. Kind of like baby zebras and lions! Here we go:

Ciara needs to know that we GET that she’s skinny, but feminine she is not. My brother could wear this dress better than her, and he’s built like a linebacker. Oddly enough with his pecs he has bigger tits than her. LOW BLOW!!! Her husky shoulders make me think young, transsexual male. Perhaps EATING would bring some MUCH needed female curves????

Coco is it too much to ask that you put on a dress with no animal prints? Is it really?

Okay damn it. Who the HELL are you pointing at, Ne-Yo? Me? Why me? WTF did I do to you? Pointing past me? Is there some axe murderer about to sashimi my ass? I NEED ANSWERS!!! Get his Black Koi Fish ass on ANTM so Tyra and Miss Jay can teach him how to pose and give different looks. I suggest the “I’m really not gay, I promise” look.

I get it! Your old but you worked the hell out of your body. Now get a shirt on. Everytime I see this cat, he is shirtless. Why???

Ahhh T-Pain. I thought that in the presence of some true hip hop greats that he would have a reaction similiar to Damien in “The Omen” as he neared the church. Alas, he was unaffected. I see his lips were also on “extra chapped” mode. That’s sexy. Really it is. I bet his breath smells like poontang and cheese sandwiches.

After having the misfortune of watching Chris Brown’s latest PIECE OF SH*Tvideo with T-Pain at the YBF blog, I was actually ELATED to see Sisqo’s black fairy of dancing goodness likeness again! Apparently he ain’t dead! He performed at the Roc Tha Block event in Sydney (today).

I never thought I would say this, but please come back. That brother can actually sing. Anybody to take out T-Pain’s ass.

Naughty By Nature came through! Good to see that in places like Europe and Australia they actually appreciate good music still man. Real talk if it wasn’t for those kids, these cats would be real hungry. Wu-Tang is out there, Nine, NBN now….Hmmm! PLEASE COME BACK! *slaps self* Okay moving along…..

The only known living vampire from 15th century Africa Akon performed as well. I see there are no teen girls on the stage NOR young boys either. Good……

I’m only posting this tripe up so I can play “t-ball” with it. As in I set it up, and knock the sh*t out of it. This song will be easily classified a “club banger.” There is NO doubt about that. I’ve been out to enough clubs to know this *lol*. With T-Pain disgracing the track, it will also get to the radio I’m sure. What makes me ultra mad is that the first jackhole takes two lines from LL Cool J’s immortal love song “I Need Love.”

Of course the song is the usual misogynistic rap fest of arcane sexual braggadocio that we have been cursed with for the last few years. Jesus be some Unfidelz. And now that rappers are insinuating black men are not content with one woman but TWO, they make several references to “bringing in a friend.”

I am SO glad I’ve got my man. Because if I were single and some man told me that’s what he needed in our relationship I’d slap him straight to Jesus.

Click HERE to listen…..(or not).

T-Pain. There are no words. I’m just going to move on before I miscarry……..
Plies! *sigh* Plies does two things to me. One of which is making me feel like somehow watching him on t.v. that I’m being groped by a greasy hand old man. He seems like he should be in the black version of the movie “Deliverance”. I bet he’d tell me to squeal like a pig too *lol*. This is how it would play out.

Seattle Slim: Excuse me sir? I’m on this road trip through Florida and I got lost in the backwoods here. Could you tell me how to get back on the interstate???
Plies: Well looka here….looka here. OOOOOOOh-WEEEEE!! You shole is purdiful. Yes you is. You got some nice lips too….*evil laugh* yes you does. Come on in here and I’ll make you squeal like a pig give you directions. You like ‘coon and sweet potatas???

But then again he’s so raw looking, I think I wouldn’t mind making him squeal like a pig. HEY! HEY! HEY!!!! How you doin’ Plies?? I’d smash and then get the hell on!

I spotted this over at One of my favorite blogs to read and I had to post it here because I wanted to say that this is one of the most irritating things I have ever seen. Here’s his new video for his single “Bartender” featuring Akon. This right here makes me wonder if I’m wrong for not liking this guy. I feel like I’m stuck in some Ayn Rand novel. Is this music nowadays? SMH. Good I guess us black folks can only talk about “drinking” and buying “dranks.” Wake me up when this idiot can write a song that doesn’t involve the following: Akon, cheating on his girl, hoes, drinking, a voice synthesizer, the club, and bullcrap. Until then I’ll be asleep to his mess.

(Photo from Allhiphop.com)
Well it appears as though Teddy Penderjackass….I mean Teddy Penderass aka T-Pain has knocked Rihanna out the top spot (she didn’t hold it very long in the US did she?) and has taken the number one spot with his newest opus “Epiphany.” Oh Joy!

– Konvict/Jive Records recording artist T- Pain, lands at the #1 spot on Billboard’s Top 200 and R&B Album charts with his sophomore debut Epiphany. The hit single “Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’),” continues to top the R&B/Hip-Hop and airplay charts.

“Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” recently beat out artists such as Maroon 5, Avril Lavigne, Timbaland, and Ne-Yo to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart as the #1 single in the country. On four separate Billboard charts the single has been firmly set at the #1 position for several weeks: #1 Hot 100 Airplay; #1 Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs; #1 Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Airplay; #1 Rhythmic Top 40, and for seven consecutive weeks T-Pain was the #1 selling ringtone on the Billboard Hot Ringmasters chart.

See I really appreciate what he is trying to do. I really do. I mean if it wasn’t for him selling these CDs what would our kids use as cup holders when they get older? I’m sure this black Teddy Ruxpin looking cat will be at the strip club asking strippers to nuzzle his man breasts. Ack! I just threw up in my mouth……….

Source

When I listen to T-Pain’s lyrics I think to myself: “Now THIS is what an educated black man should be!” I mean he is the perfect example of what Dr. King, Malcolm X, W.E.B DuBois and Marcus Garvey had in mind for the future of black folks. As I write this a lone tear drips from my eye. T-Pain shares his wisdom in an interview posted on EurWeb:

On why he dropped out of Junior H.S. and if he regrets doing so:

No. I just knew half of the history class was bullcrap. Math class, that helped me out. Science, I wasn’t going to be a scientist. I know how to burn stuff and cut frogs open.

On singing yeah right with a vocal synthesizer:

That is irrelevant that I have the audio tune on my voice. There are even songs on the first record without it. I have done so many shows live. You can’t put an effect on your voice live so everyone knows I can sing without it. There are songs I have done with other people without it and there are songs on this album without it. I kept it going because that is my signature. When people hear that effect they say, “T-Pain must be on the song or that’s somebody trying to be like T-Pain.”

SMH! I ought to be ashamed of myself for ACTUALLY going to college and learning “history.” What the HELL was I thinking??? On the real, this is ignorance at its finest and most disgustingly pathetic. Why the Black community supports this man is beyond me. It’s like supporting a wolf in the chicken coup. Damned shame…..