Seattle Slim Presents The Beat-niks: I See You Jackin’ Bitch…

Happy New Year folks! I hope you are all safe and happy and all that. Hope you didn’t get knocked up or knock anyone else up *lol* after having a few too many drinky drinks!!!

My resolutions included the following:
1) Convincing John Cena that my son is actually our love child so that he can wife me, and I can cheat on him with Cody Rhodes and get hella alimony.

2) Buy Solange and Kelly Rowland some self-esteem…….

3) Give T-Pain some chapstick and some vocal talent.

4) Start a fight between Rihanna and Beyonce on some Jerry Springer sh*t.

5) Find an entourage of male hoes to spray my afro and wipe me down wherever I go.

Rihanna on being “friends” with Beyonce:

“She’s Beyonce, and I’m (his) new protegee. When we see each other we say hi. We’re not enemies, but we’re not `friends’ friends.”

I bet them meeting in the hallway of Def Jam goes like this:

Rihanna: Hi Beyonce…
Beyonce: Don’t talk to me heffa. Remember, I f*cks
with Solange, Kelly and Michelle. Don’t get bodied.

Solange showed up to the BET Awards looking extra “special.” If her sister’s dress was supposed to be “chastity”, this dress is “whore.” Doesn’t she just look like she does shit to piss of her parents?

I had to put this in here because this is Big Shan from Doggy’s Angels. Snoop Dogg tried to form a rap female super group back in the early nineties and failed horribly they sucked. Here she is a decade later. It’s obvious she is only there because she is his weed holder.

Rev. Al Simpleton Sharpton brought his hooker…oh wait. Sorry! That’s rapper Eve in a really crappy blonde wig and a dress special ordered out of Frederick’s Of Hollywood (the lingerie department). HOT ASS MESS!