Seattle Slim Presents The Beat-niks: I See You Jackin’ Bitch…

Happy New Year folks! I hope you are all safe and happy and all that. Hope you didn’t get knocked up or knock anyone else up *lol* after having a few too many drinky drinks!!!

My resolutions included the following:
1) Convincing John Cena that my son is actually our love child so that he can wife me, and I can cheat on him with Cody Rhodes and get hella alimony.

2) Buy Solange and Kelly Rowland some self-esteem…….

3) Give T-Pain some chapstick and some vocal talent.

4) Start a fight between Rihanna and Beyonce on some Jerry Springer sh*t.

5) Find an entourage of male hoes to spray my afro and wipe me down wherever I go.

Kelly is yapping her trap about a possible reunion AGAIN…….

“A couple of weeks ago, Beyonce did a show in Los Angeles and asked me and Michelle (Williams) to join her on stage for Survivor. It was a real tear-jerker. The fans were crying and going nuts. I’d definitely like us to do more stuff like that,” she added.

Rowland says that she and Knowles will be discussing the band’s future over Christmas dinner. “As ever, Beyonce and I will spend Christmas Day together. It will be a real family affair,” she said.

I bet it WAS a tear-jerker considering Beyonce ordered asked them to sing “Survivor” on HER tour. I would cry too!!! They were crying because they realize they’ll never pack a stadium like that on their own………

Kelly is in serious need of some kind of therapy because this right here is just sad and pathetic. I don’t EVER hear Beyonce talk about her in that way. Go form your own group or hit up BETTER producers………….

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Rihanna on being “friends” with Beyonce:

“She’s Beyonce, and I’m (his) new protegee. When we see each other we say hi. We’re not enemies, but we’re not `friends’ friends.”

I bet them meeting in the hallway of Def Jam goes like this:

Rihanna: Hi Beyonce…
Beyonce: Don’t talk to me heffa. Remember, I f*cks
with Solange, Kelly and Michelle. Don’t get bodied.

In an attempt to salvage her lackluster album, Kelly Rowland is re-releasing “Ms. Kelly. Here is one song off that album. It’s boring…..
Click here to listen!

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To quote DMX: “When we starvin’ we eat whatever’s there…..” Ain’t that right Kelly?

Ms. Kelly Rowland (aka Beyonce’s Wig Duster/Upkeep Technician) will join other singers like Blake Shelton, Patti Labelle, Michael Bolton and Nick Lachey on NBC’s “Clash Of The Choirs” this winter! These weaves don’t pay for themselves!

Michael Bolton, Patti LaBelle, Nick Lachey, Kelly Rowland and Blake Shelton will attempt to bring together twenty individually gifted singers from each of their hometown cities in a limited period of time. Michael Bolton will be traveling to his hometown of New Haven, CT; Patti LaBelle will be going to her hometown in Philadelphia, PA; Nick Lachey will be returning to Cincinnati, OH; Kelly Rowland will be going back to Houston, TX; and Blake Shelton will be traveling to Oklahoma City, OK.

The celebrities will be dealing with choir members from very different musical backgrounds and with very different kinds of vocal training. Once the choirs are assembled they will compete in live performances in New York. After each choir performance, the choirs will be judged by the alternate celebrity choirmasters and a musical expert. However, the fate of the choirs will be determined by viewers watching at home who will have the opportunity to vote via phone or at www.nbc.com.

The winning choir, along with the hometown celebrity musician, will get to pick a prize to help their community. The prize could be anything from renovating a school gym to an auditorium to a constructing a new neighborhood playground.

What a GREAT cause! I think Kelly deserves a little something for having such a dismal year. How about some relevance? A good album? Freedom from Beyonce? Something!

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It’s been no secret that with ringtones and filesharing sites like Limewire (that are mostly still free to get music from), an already VAPID music industry, especially in the R&B and Hip-Hop genre, is feeling the pain. Well, the numbers speak for themselves. You know it’s something when Justin Timberlake STILL outsells your ass and his album dropped LAST year.

Despite sliding two spots to No. 3, the “King of the South” T.I. continues to knock ‘em out the park selling 93,500 copies in his third week. So far, T.I. Vs. T.I.P has sold total of 737,700 discs.

Fergie moves two steps up the ladder to No. 6. According to Nielsen SoundScan, The Dutchess scanned 49,500 discs this week. The album’s tally stands at 2,278,100.

Two spots away is Amy Winehouse at No. 8. Back to Black continues to hang tough as it shelves off 45,300 discs this week, bringing the album’s total to 910,300.

Rihanna drives two slots up to No. 16. Good Girl Gone Bad reels in 34,500 units this week. After seven weeks, the album has sold a total of 454,600 copies.

Slipping two spots to No. 18 is T-Pain. 32,700 copies of the crooner’s sophomore effort, Epiphany, were purchased this week. So far, the album has sold 472,200 copies after spending seven weeks on the Charts.

Posted at No. 25 is R. Kelly. Kells’ 8th solo album Double Up rounds up its seven day cycle with 22,300 discs sold. After eight weeks, Kells has sold 756,600 CDs.

Heavy on the grind at No. 27 is Fabolous. From Nothin’ to Somethin’ cashes out 21,900 albums this week, bringing the record’s total sales to 341,300.

Ne-Yo trips four spots to No. 32. Because Of You reins in 20,900 discs this week. After 12 weeks, the album has sold 681,200 copies.

The heightening buzz of his single, “The Way I Are,” helps Timbaland move four spots to No. 33. Shock Value racks up 20,400 copies this week, pushing the album’s tally to 470,600 in it’s 16th week.

Kelly Rowland continues to struggle as she plunges twenty six spots to No. 39 . Thus far, Ms. Kelly has sold 140,070 copies with 16,800 representing the album’s seven day total.

Justin Timberlake continues to show off his dominance as FutureSex/Love Sounds sells 18,500 copies in 45th week. Sitting at No. 37, the album has sold a total of 3,430,100 copies.

Akon continues to stay afloat at No. 43. Konvicted bags up 15,200 copies this week , bringing the album’s total sales to 2,542,900.

Shop Boyz tumbles six slots to No. 48. Rockstar Mentality garners 13,900 in sales this week. To date, the album has sold 134,500 copies.

Entering the charts at No. 49 is Kansas based rapper Tech N9ne with his latest album, Misery Love Kompany. The set, which features Yukmouth, Kutt Calhoun and Big Scoob, nets 13,500 copies.

Robin Thicke slips four seats to No. 54. Evolution of Robin Thicke rings out 12,422 discs this week, pushing the album’s total sales to 1,305,100.

Also skidding four spots is Beyonce to No. 58. B’Day moves 11,700 copies this week. So far, the album has sold 2,806,800 copies.

Corrine Bailey Rae falls eight spots to No. 63. Her self titled album snatches up 10,800 copies this week. The album’s tally stands at 1,631,000.

A step below at No. 64 is Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Strength & Loyalty notches 10,800 units this week , pushing the albums total sales to 351,490.

Credit goes to Sohh.com for the stats!!

Apparently you can’t keep a good dog nor a good song down. At least that’s what Kelly Rowland thinks! She’s set to cover pop sensation Kylie Minogue’s Can’t Get You Out Of My Head in a re-release of one of the hottest pop tunes ever.

According to News.Com.Au:
The move follows fan feedback the rhythm and blues singer received after performing a version of the song at an exclusive London nightclub.

However, the new translation is set to have more of a hip-hop feel - very different to the bubblegum pop version originally released in 2001.

Just don’t do it live, Kelly! She better get it right because either, and I MUST be so blunt, a) white folks will love it and she will live to see another day or b) white folks will hate it and it will be a wrap. Remember those cats that remade Queen’s song “Bohemian Rhapsody?” Yeah….neither do I. *P.S. I LOVE Kylie Minogue and that song! Just an FYI*

Speaking of which, according to Sohh Soulful, she has landed at about #5 on the charts as of July 8th. OUCH! But it’s better than the number bazillion some folks thought.

Kelly Rowland stopped by MTV’s TRL to cohost with Damien Fahey on the day her sophomore album, “Ms. Kelly” dropped. She looks flawless but a little too twig-ish for my taste in these photos. I took a stop over at Billboard and I didn’t see her anywhere in the Hot 100. Maybe they’re late to add her stats? Over at SonyMusicStore.com her album went from $18.08 to $13.98. Now I’m no industry insider but I would be under the impression that if your album is guaranteed to sell, they wouldn’t need to discount the price one day out the gate. I mean….I’m just saying.

Look we all knew these broads couldn’t sing to begin with. But I’m surprised that it’s so bad that basically the computer is singing for them. Sheesh! Apparently for their rumored upcoming tour they’ll have pre-recorded, perfected studio tracks of the songs they are performing. If one of them should crack like a pre-pubescent boy, then the computer will automatically shut out their actual voice and use the track. I’m thinking that Rihanna, Kelly Rowland, Ciara, Janet Jackson and Britney Spears need to get their accountant on the ball pronto. Especially you Kelly! That performance last night was so crappy I had to turn my volume up.

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Apparently you starve! Although these young ladies looked nice, I wonder why so scrawny. You better hope she does a Destiny’s Child reunion soon otherwise you’ll look like Jaslene Gonzalez or Nicole Richie. Damn that!