Seattle Slim Presents The Beat-niks: I See You Jackin’ Bitch…

YUP! The UK’s Daily Mirror has some 2008 calendars on sale and I came across Orlando Bloom’s. So Orlando is my I’d SMASH for this week!

What you DON’T know is I took this picture. He was telling me to come back to bed so he could smash it like an Idaho potato again.

Okay well in MY HEAD I took this picture while he was laying in my imaginary bed after we played Pirates Of The Caribbean: Return Of The Black Pearl Necklace…..

ROFLMAO @ this picture! He looks like his real name is Chucky, that guy who lives on the beach walking around naked and talking to the seagulls about how the “man” is out to get them all.

I’d smash!

LOL this is Shia’s mugshot from when he was arrested this past weekend for acting a fool in a Chicago Walgreen’s. I guess Shia felt he needed to “keep it real?” Or maybe he wanted to up his profile and do like everyone else and get his “criminal record game” on. I wasn’t feeling him after he f*cked up in “The Transformers” (I’m a real stan! That ish sucked!), but this mugshot has landed him back on my “white boy list.”

Somewhere my boyfriend Jon-Jon is plotting to poison his ass for this. My lists are highly competitive. Just last week some dude “bodied” another dude on my “mandingo” list. It’s madness!

(Looks at second picture like inbred hillbilly looks at his sister’s tits)

This biracial (YES let it be known!) hottie graced the inside of Vanity Fair Italy for last month’s issue. I know it’s late but I move slow. Perez Hilton SWEARS this dude is gay. I don’t want to believe it!! Honestly if I got this motherf*cker alone just 5 minutes in a broom closet, he’d be a Playboy reading and meat-jackin’, beer drinkin’, Halo playin’, butt pinchin’ male. *Singing “Your Body’s Callin” By R. Kelly”*

I had to show SOME love to my little man’s favorite wrestler, Batista! He’s on WWE’s Whackdown Smackdown. I don’t like them that veiny and musclebound, sorry. If I did, he’d be smash-tastic!!

Vincent Cassel is my latest “smash.” He’s currently in the AWESOMELY GOOD “Eastern Promises” with Vigo Mortensen (who wears the hell out of his suits) and Naomi Watts. Very good movie. I highly recommend. I’ve been a fan of “Vinz” since I saw him in “Elizabeth” as the very comical, yet very bisexual Duc D’Anjou.

He is taken though; married to the very foxy Monica Bellucci.

Dirt McGirt is that you???
See this guy right here makes my motor run! Yes, I’m thinking about letting him “chew on my bubblegum.”
Who could resist the half-assed ponytails in his head? What about the cross-eyed sexiness? The bumpy complexion? Not I! Robin Thicke and Idris Elba be damned.

Here’s what put this papi chulo on my radar:

The Minnesota man, 26, is facing felony charges for allegedly stealing a cell phone and purse from a woman he mugged on a St. Paul street early Saturday morning. According to police, after the woman turned over her belongings, Davis announced, “Now I’m going to suck your feet.” Which he did, after the 24-year-old victim removed her shoes. Davis, who fled when passersby approached, was apprehended by cops a few blocks from the crime scene. He was booked into the Ramsey County lockup, where the below mug shot was snapped.

Where can I sign up? The prospect of making sweet, muskrat scented love to this man is too strong! *Singing “Come And Talk To Me” by Jodeci* OOOOOOOOOOOOOH OOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOHHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Source

I know he wasn’t nominated this time but he DID collabo with Shakira last year and she’s nominated this year and since I’m not gay….I’m putting him down! Sexy Alejandro Sanz! Oh and if you don’t believe me, watch him carry on with Shakira in the “La Tortura” video. He couldn’t pull on my hair like that without me sending him into the hospital. Watch I’m off….I’m off. Like Missy said “once you say go I won’t move slow….” OKAY????

Residente (Rene; pictured on the right) of the super-sexual reggaeton group out of PR, Calle 13. Had I stayed in Panama until I was 16 or 17 years old, a guy looking JUST like this (cause they are all over Panama) would’ve gotten my little fast ass knocked the hell up! LMAO!

Gary Dourdan was out and about in L.A. last night and into the wee hours of this morning. He looks like he was getting sweaty in the club but still looks smash-able! That’s why Gary Dourdan is today’s “I’d Smash!”

*lol* Can you imagine role playing with Gary?

Seattle Slim: Oh GAAAAAAAAAAA-RY!!! Guess what we’re playing tonight???
Gary: Not B.S.I again!
Seattle Slim: Oh COME on! You know Booty Scene Investigation is my favorite role playing game! You won’t believe where I hid some of the clues this week!

Jason Isaacs!!!! This was a tie between Tay Zonday and Jason. Jason won due to his pure evil abilities in “Harry Potter” and “The Patriot.” What can I say I’m a sucker for villains! We’d have such malevolent beautiful children! Cheerio mates!

Am I sexually repressed? You damned right. I keep falling asleep with my pregnant ass. I haven’t gotten any “cutty” (lol you southerners kill me) in like 4 days. This is a problem. If I could JUST stay awake. LOL but I’m awake at work so for the ladies this is my “I’d Smash.” Why Matt? Because David Beckham’s a punk b*tch ever since him and his twig wife reunited. Some folk may not be down with the sexual vanilla. I apologize. But I’m like a sexual “fat kid” whose on a fast track to diabetes……I like all kinds of candy as long as it tastes good LOL. Ummm no girls though lol.